Shake it off.

Well, for crying out loud. Apparently, Matt "Gapefruit" Clement (remember when he started the All Star game? Yeah, where'd that guy go?) said he hoped that the White Sox got all their hits out of the way today. Riiight. 'Twas mighty kind of you to serve them all up personally, Matt. Do me a favor and pay more attention to your damned mechanics than your stupid creepy rapist beard. Are you just glueing a scrub brush to your face? Either way, if your gracious teammates manage to battle back, you may be *gulp* handed the ball again, so please remember that you're likely to throw more strikes if you add pulling your head out of your ass to your pitching motion.

Ok, here's the thing. And this is important: We kinda need to beat the White Sox because I can't abide Jurassic Carl Everett beating the Red Sox to get to the league championship. It will not stand. He waves his bat around like a dickhead. Only jerks do that (see also Gary Sheffield). And I don't want Mr. "I don't believe in Tylenol, cortisone, or dinosaurs for that matter" Everett to go to the ALCS. It ain't right.

In typical Red Sox fan alarmist fashion, I'm starting to concoct karmic reasons why we should win. Also, I'm cooking up my post-season shopping list. I can tell you who's on the top of the unload list... Matt...

How about that Jose Contreras?

Stupid Bartolo Colon. Since when did you give up four in the first three innings?