Red, Red [Communion] Wine.

So, I'm reading Alex Kuczynski's Critical Shopper column today in Thursday Styles (shuddup, sometimes I run out of things to read in the Times... Seriously. The afternoon is LONG when you're in the doldrums of an editorial cycle, people). The column itself is about QVC. She watched many hours of it, which sounds like a very specific ring of my personal hell (just a bit higher up than being forced to listen to skinny scary Murray Hill girls order things like a large hazelnut coffee with extra skim milk and four Splendas or crazy romaine-based salads dressed only with salt). Kuczynski powered through, though. And she mentioned one item for sale that caught my attention: the talking Bible.

Oh, the possibilities. Does it talk when you open it? Do you flip the pages as it talks and read along? Is it a tablet PC with a stylus? Does Stephen Fry give voice to the King James as he did the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? If so, where do I sign up for this super-cool mission, and will Mos Def be joining me?

Google-ho!

No. No, it is none of those things. It's not nearly as exciting as I'd hoped. The talking Bible is a tool for ministry groups abroad. Behold (I'd post it here but blogger's being bitchy about formatting, sorry).

It's basically a glorified tape-player concealed within your standard Gideon's Bible cover (almost looks like a stash box...a stash of Jesus). And it doesn't look like you can even open it up to swap the New Testament for that old R.E.O. Speedwagon you have kicking around. And, according to the Mission's website, they're having some trouble with the battery power (it keeps crapping out in the middle of Revelations).

The main goal (to bring the Bible to people who don't read), is considerate, I guess. However, a mission to distribute 10,000 Talking Bibles in each of 10 key languages, seems to be a misguided effort. It's nice to want to help people, but a tape deck isn't going to keep the AIDS or the starvation at bay, Christian soldiers. I think we want to reevaluate [y]our priorities. Just sayin'.