Someone pass me some Tums. There's a great interview on Salon.com (you'll need to watch an ad first, but it's worth it) with, Ryan Nerz, an emcee of competitive eating contests. He's just come out with a book about a year on "the circuit." Though I'd likely feel like barfing ten pages in, it looks like an interesting read. It's called Eat This Book: A Year of Gorging and Glory on the Competitive Eating Circuit. Which is not nearly as great a title as Horsemen of the Esophagus (that's a real book. Didn't make it up).
Unless we're talking wasabi peas and samosas as an accompaniment to Guinness (after an hour and a half of soccer), I think I might be the slowest eater in the world. Which is OK. Because I really like eating, and I'm pretty sure if I trained my esophagus to let whole hotdogs through, I'd stop really tasting anything. Furthermore, I'm comfortable with resigning myself to the idea of sweating, say, Schlitz after an evening of debauchery... but meat sweats? That amount of meat cannot be good for you. Heed me, my friends. Beer sweat = fine, meat sweat = unhealthy. Also gross: how people on "the circuit" (I can't really type that without quotes) refer to vomiting as "reversal of fortune." Seems like this "circuit" is my own private hell. Fast eating, hot dog buns soaking water, battling gag reflexes. Ugh. And everyone in my family knows my feelings about vomiting (run away! run away!).
Of course, reading about Kobayashi and "The Black Widow" had me thinking: I must have some kind of mundane talent that I could turn into a competitive sport. Vacuuming? Dishwashing? Apostrophe usage?
Oooh. I know. Claire: we're going on the road as an unstoppable competitive cat-nail trimming team. She soothes and hog-ties (seriously, I'm pretty sure Claire could successfully subdue anything... feral cat, unruly child, psychotic water buffalo...), and I trim with speed and accuracy. Just ask Gus. No bleeders. Which is a good thing, too, because Obie usually steals the Q-tip I have reserved for applying emergency styptic powder. See? We work under pressure! Without a net! It's craaazy!
3 comments:
oh man. i watched the "True Life: I'm a Competative Eater" on MTV. they followed kobayashi around, watching him 'train'. he went to a restaurant and the owner/chef (in japan) recognized him and proceeded to feed him 23 pounds of pasta. and he ate it all.
apparently his stomach is abnormally low hanging, which leaves more room in his, you know, body, for food.
Andy's gonna love this book.
the key to the cat whispering is that you just have to hold them tight enought that they give up.
i've worked for years to perfect it. mostly on sheena.
Too true, too true.
And now I'm in therapy.
Show me on the doll....
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