Heavens to Bessy!

Sometimes I get some incredibly dull PR pitches at work. Sometimes I get PR pitches that don't have anything to do with our magazine. Sometimes I get things like this, from Endtime Ministries (seriously, that's the name):

" Press Release: The Prophetic Cow
For Immediate Release
August 21, 2006


THE PROPHETIC COW

The cow** that could blow up the world?



There is a prophecy in the Bible, which says that Israel will build her Third Temple just prior to the beginning of the Great Tribulation. Religious Jews believe that the temple cannot be built until a qualified red heifer is properly sacrificed. This belief comes from Numbers chapter 19 in the Old Testament.

Rabbi Chaim Richman, Executive Director of the Temple Institute in Jerusalem and a member of the newly reborn 70-member Sanhedrin, recently revealed to Endtime Ministries, “We now have a red heifer. Her location is being kept secret for security reasons.”

Israel now has a qualified red heifer! This is Israel’s first qualified red heifer since the Second Temple era nearly 2000 years ago! What a blockbuster announcement!

So how could a cow potentially blow up the world? The offering of a qualified red heifer will clear the way for the building of Israel’s Third Temple on the Temple Mount. Israel’s Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has openly stated that he intends to establish Israel’s final borders with the support of the international community. That’s what the present war in the Middle East is all about. Once this is accomplished, the only remaining issue in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict will be the status of Jerusalem, and, more specifically, the status of the Temple Mount.

When religious leaders in Israel previously thought they had a qualified red heifer, reporters suggested that this could result in WWIII. Why? Because they knew this red heifer would pave the way for the building of Israel’s temple. They asserted that Muslims around the globe would unite on the Temple Mount to stop this development.

That red heifer of ten years ago developed white hairs in her tail, causing the Jewish rabbis to determine that she was unacceptable. Those same rabbis have now ruled that the present red heifer meets the Bible’s requirements and could be sacrificed at any time.

Get the full story about the red heifer in the newly released issue of Endtime Magazine. In this blockbuster issue, Endtime Ministries President Irvin Baxter reveals the details in the article, Red Heifer Ready Now. "

Of course I was hoping that the release would detail what the subtitle indicates; that there was in fact some kind of explosive cow that could be detonated and cause beefy destruction. Sadly, it's the usual crackpot business of bringing about the apocalypse. Which, I really think deserves a wider vote, you crazy people. I will give credit, though. In spite of the content of the release being nuts, the way it's written is quite lucid. You even provide the information I need to pursue this story about the explosive cow.

I am redacting all the standard PR contact info here, because I'm not about to go encouraging these people, but I'd like to note that they have, not only a magazine, but a website and an online shop as well.

I must say, you End Time people may want to reconsider this "shotgun approach" to pitching. We certainly do not cover this kind of news (much as I'd love to, mind). May I recommend "Hey, Let's Bring About the Apocalypse!" Quarterly? Rolling to Jerusalem Weekly? The Religious Zealotry Picayune-Times?

Either way, I'm getting nervous. Perhaps I should invest in some Armor of God PJs.

___
**For this post's hidden track (if you will), do click on the picture for a Wikipedia entry on what I may do for entertainment during my New England sojourn.