Hot enough for ya?
Gawker described the weather as a "motherchristing heat wave," which I find appropriate. Toby has reported that the heat in N. Tobylina is "fucking prehistoric." It's unbearable in New Hampshire, the family claims. It pretty much sucks everywhere. Except Helsinki, it would seem. Perhaps it's time for a group trip to Scandinavia? A tour of North Sea ports? A little organ music? Tattoos? Cloudberries?
Oh, wait, that's right. This is 'Murrica and we don't take long vacations. Instead, many curses and a lot of creative blaspheming are required to describe the heat as we schlep into our delightfully frigid offices each day, sun bearing down on us like some scary bearing-down thing.
Last night I broke down and we installed my air conditioner. I had been managing well enough with the cold-shower-and-window-fan system, and the nights have been cool enough to make the apartment tolerable when we get home from work.
But a delayed hangover (necessitating a long day spent prone on the couch) yesterday made it abundantly clear to me that summer is actually here and I might roast alive (though I suppose it's better than being caught in the Spider Revolution). I think this, July 17th (since the AC was put into the window at 12:30am... thanks Claire!), is a personal best since I've been in New York (not counting the first summer, when we had no air conditioning at all).
I tell you, when I turned the thing on and that musty, stored-in-a-closet air conditioner smell filled my little bedroom, I trembled with pleasant anticipation.
And as I crawled under the covers, my room now chilly and dark, I daresay I allowed a "Oh sweet Jesus... YES" escape my lips. When I awoke this morning, all memory of my life before had vanished. How did I get on without this beautiful machine?
Breathe your sweet Freon breath upon me, O wonderous contraption!
And like that, I was hooked.
Granted, we watched Trainspotting over the weekend so I have addiction on the brain, but oh man. I emphatically choose AC! I hate myself for it. I am going to liberal hell, but it can't be helped. It's just too wonderful. I tried to get by with popsicles and thinking cool thoughts. Yesterday I distracted myself with many many episodes of The Office on the DVR (Toby... are those two kids going to work it out? If not, will Jim/John Krasinksi marry me please?).
One day, when I have a summer home somewhere in northern Maine near the coast, I'll just open the windows and eat lots of gazpacho during any brief hot spells.
Until then, put it in my veins. We seem to be in for the long haul now, kids. It's beer, popsicle, and gazpacho season.
8 comments:
Can I come to the Maine house?
yes, a.c. is the wonderfulest, except last night when it was sooo hot, that even sleeping pressed against it barely worked. aiyeee.
god, i know what you mean about the heat wave. yesterday it reached 74 out here and i didn't know if i could go on. IF NOT FOR THE BOOZE...
Sigh. Brando/Ducky, I'd kick your ass if not for the inability to move.
Do you have a spare room? I make a mean gazpacho...
So apparently we have to move to the Pacific Northwest. Now seems like as good a time as any. We can stay with Dan. Or Ducky.
evonne had a pastry called a "cloudberry horn" in the Norway part of Epcot. she endorsed it, so... yea, i guess it's good or something.
the spare room is ready and willing. i should warn you, though, we don't have AC. so don't complain should the temperature actually reach 77. (it did once, apparently many years ago. the great heatwave of '95. nobody died, but several people got into mild arguments on the freeway. CRAZY TIMES.)
Suddenly I'm a little confused as to why I don't live in the Pacific NW.
You say toe-mah-toe, I say
wondrous (Sorry. Sometimes i can't help myself)
Syllables: won-drous
Part of Speech adjective
Pronunciation wuhn drEs
Definition 1. wonderful, esp. in literary or poetic usage.
Related Words wonderful , marvelous
Derived Forms wondrously, adv. ; wondrousness, n.
~Wordsmyth
And to cool your brain:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. How is it possible to have a civil war?
28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
37. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
"George Carlinisms" as reported by Dr Grammar, http://www.drgrammar.org/carlin.shtml
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