What is "Who are the marketing wizards who came up with that one?"

It would seem that we're entering the part of boyfriend season when the mating dances are performed. Just when I thought it was safe to cease creepily reading about people with whom I attended high school (who now have spouses and children and are working on higher degrees and probably also have mortgages) and log out of StalkSpace, True.com hits me yet again with a remarkable bit of advertising.

I can't embed it, but I did find a permanent (I hope) link for your viewing horror. Go have a look...I'll wait.











....Ok. Did you give your eyeballs a good long soak in some lye? So, let us review together. "Jakeluv" is alone. In his bedroom. He appears to have "arty" posters of musicians behind his stereo. You are given the impression that he wants to talk to you. We know this because he lights a candle and dances.

Alone.

In his bedroom.

To the camera.

And then, the thing de la resistance, he points at you. You! You're the one he wants.

So why don't you talk to him? lol!

As Tobs might say, gentle fuck. Really? I don't think I really need to go into the necklace that swings as he cavorts about, nor the rapist/Matt Clement chin beard.

This is just insulting. Am I meant to find this appealing? Why, in the name of God would any reasonable woman ever be turned on by watching a strange man dance alone in front of his webcam? Creepy-wise, this is the Internet equivalent of being ground up on by a strange dude on a dance floor.

Which leads me to an anecdote from the weekend: Some strange dude came up to me from behind on the dance floor at a bar in Northampton. I believe he was desirous that we share a bump and grind. His fatal error was skipping past the conversation in which he asked my permission to approach me from behind and press his body against mine. I was therefore forced to elbow him in the chest (he was a bit shorter than I am), which sends the very clear "No touching!" message. You'll be pleased to learn that I managed not to spill my Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA during this maneuver.

Win a Date with Some Weird Dude!

This ad (or one like it... there's also a dude with a knit hat and a dude with a lot of tattoos... covering their demographic bases, I guess) has been popping up a lot on my MySpace logout page lately.

Uh... Boyfriend season? I'm aware of the whole "springtime-is-coming-so-make-with-the-flirty
-like-in-Bambi" business, but for some reason I'm getting some funny images in my head regarding the season for those elusive boyfriends.

Firstly, I am from New Hampshire, so when I see "___ Season" my line of thinking turns toward weather and/or hunting. In this way, boyfriend season comes before/during Mud Season and dissipates by the end of Black Fly season? Or is it still boyfriend season during Mosquito Season? I mean, they obviously hibernate during the winter, so that's out...

Then there's the idea that it's boyfriend season, as in you can hunt them with perhaps a bow and arrow (oh, how classical!) or high-powered rifle. In which case, how does one stalk the creature? On horseback, riding behind a pack of baying foxhounds? Do you set up in his house under a pile of clothes/boyfriend detritus and wait for him to show up and lick up the salt (or, you know, beer...Fritos, what-have-you) you spread on the floor?

The thing that really creeps me out, though, is how similar it seems to the dreaded "Bathing Suit Season." And, knowing MySpace, it seemed just as likely (before I saw the True logo) to be advertising some manner of diet pill. "Get those winter pounds off, ladies! Boyfriend season is around the corner."

Either way, the Match.com and True.com full-frontal MySpace assault is weirding me out. Match has these bizarre little videos of "regular guys" receiving titillating messages from "regular girls (or so we would assume)." One of these guys appears to be 12. The other, reads a message whilst removing a button-down shirt and stroking his five o'clock shadow (don't worry, there's a t-shirt underneath). Both smile creepily, and the camera angle makes it seem like they're looking right at me. I find I am neither intrigued nor titillated by this (this spoof video, however, is hilarious) so much as uncomfortable and a little intruded upon.

I certainly don't frown upon online dating (whatever works...or provides the best emotional scars/stories to tell your friends at the bar), but I thought MySpace already had that function built in...for free...so why would I be inclined to pay someone to hook me up with the likes of Lil' Fella and Scruffy the Date Rapist?

The final thought on the matter is that I'm obviously in a demographic that gets thrown these ads (due to being young and a lady). I am therefore curious what other information MySpace uses to place the ads. My "single" status" Do my "interests" indicate that I would be more likely to click on Scruffy the Date Rapist's little home video?

I hope that it's not that sophisticated a system... but at some point it could be, and isn't that fun? So, I turn it over to you, bloggy folk. Do those of you "In a Relationship" end up with these disturbing videos? Are you free of the "boyfriend season" blight? And guys - what do the ladies look like?

Meanwhile, I've heard it's time to dust off that high-powered rifle and/or start popping dexatrim and running in place late at night. Boyfriend Season's just around the freakin' corner.

Heavens to Bessy!

Sometimes I get some incredibly dull PR pitches at work. Sometimes I get PR pitches that don't have anything to do with our magazine. Sometimes I get things like this, from Endtime Ministries (seriously, that's the name):

" Press Release: The Prophetic Cow
For Immediate Release
August 21, 2006


THE PROPHETIC COW

The cow** that could blow up the world?



There is a prophecy in the Bible, which says that Israel will build her Third Temple just prior to the beginning of the Great Tribulation. Religious Jews believe that the temple cannot be built until a qualified red heifer is properly sacrificed. This belief comes from Numbers chapter 19 in the Old Testament.

Rabbi Chaim Richman, Executive Director of the Temple Institute in Jerusalem and a member of the newly reborn 70-member Sanhedrin, recently revealed to Endtime Ministries, “We now have a red heifer. Her location is being kept secret for security reasons.”

Israel now has a qualified red heifer! This is Israel’s first qualified red heifer since the Second Temple era nearly 2000 years ago! What a blockbuster announcement!

So how could a cow potentially blow up the world? The offering of a qualified red heifer will clear the way for the building of Israel’s Third Temple on the Temple Mount. Israel’s Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has openly stated that he intends to establish Israel’s final borders with the support of the international community. That’s what the present war in the Middle East is all about. Once this is accomplished, the only remaining issue in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict will be the status of Jerusalem, and, more specifically, the status of the Temple Mount.

When religious leaders in Israel previously thought they had a qualified red heifer, reporters suggested that this could result in WWIII. Why? Because they knew this red heifer would pave the way for the building of Israel’s temple. They asserted that Muslims around the globe would unite on the Temple Mount to stop this development.

That red heifer of ten years ago developed white hairs in her tail, causing the Jewish rabbis to determine that she was unacceptable. Those same rabbis have now ruled that the present red heifer meets the Bible’s requirements and could be sacrificed at any time.

Get the full story about the red heifer in the newly released issue of Endtime Magazine. In this blockbuster issue, Endtime Ministries President Irvin Baxter reveals the details in the article, Red Heifer Ready Now. "

Of course I was hoping that the release would detail what the subtitle indicates; that there was in fact some kind of explosive cow that could be detonated and cause beefy destruction. Sadly, it's the usual crackpot business of bringing about the apocalypse. Which, I really think deserves a wider vote, you crazy people. I will give credit, though. In spite of the content of the release being nuts, the way it's written is quite lucid. You even provide the information I need to pursue this story about the explosive cow.

I am redacting all the standard PR contact info here, because I'm not about to go encouraging these people, but I'd like to note that they have, not only a magazine, but a website and an online shop as well.

I must say, you End Time people may want to reconsider this "shotgun approach" to pitching. We certainly do not cover this kind of news (much as I'd love to, mind). May I recommend "Hey, Let's Bring About the Apocalypse!" Quarterly? Rolling to Jerusalem Weekly? The Religious Zealotry Picayune-Times?

Either way, I'm getting nervous. Perhaps I should invest in some Armor of God PJs.

___
**For this post's hidden track (if you will), do click on the picture for a Wikipedia entry on what I may do for entertainment during my New England sojourn.

This has to stop.

Apparently, Katie Holmes is considering a name change, to "Kate Cruise," both personally and professionally, once she is married to The Littlest Nutcase (link here - third item), because Tom calls her Kate and suggested she use it professionally. Groan.

The whole thing is quite possibly not true, as the source is unnamed in In Touch, which is not a bastion of good journalism, but still, what man goes ahead and names his future wife? An incredibly unhinged man... but usually unhinged men of his ilk don't have quite the same public forum, which is what makes this all so upsetting.

Agreed, yes, she's an adult and can make her own decisions, and is willingly participating in the most amazing PR scam in recent memory. All the same, I'm begging In Touch, and all the rest, to STOP COVERING HIM. It's the only way he'll learn.

Mrs. Cruise? Is this fame blitz really worth it? Really?

To own the truth, I was sort of pulling for "Katherine Mapother." Yes, Mapother is his real surname.