What makes a 'rita (not pictured) bonzer?

No mountain of salt at the bottom of the glass!

That's right. From the geniuses who brought you Binge Eating at Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp Barfaganza, the usual suspects were rounded up last night for dinner and onions of the bloomed variety at Outback Steakhouse, bizarrely located in Chelsea.

Now, since I don't have a digital camera or the comedic stylings of the Gilhouse or Carpathian variety, I'll leave most of the recounting to others (update: Josh has posted his assessment and Will's got the photo-documentation with captions). However, I feel a little comparative round-up is in order.

The [Marga]rita.

Red Lobster: It's the size of a swimming pool, has a pile of salt AT THE BOTTOM of the glass (which was startling, to say the least). To add insult to injury, the rimming was piss-poor. Also I think they only pretended to put tequila in it, and it cost an arm and a leg.
Outback: In a beer stein, with a half-decent salt rim. Actually had alcohol in it. Had two for the price of the aforementioned salty swimming pool. It was bonzer, as advertised.

Food

Red Lobster: Full-on gross. At the beginning it was good gross (except for the coconut shrimp which were bad-gross all the way through), but it took a dangerous downturn once the scampi arrived. I still have shrimp-related nightmares. Cheesy bread was good, though sparse.
Outback: The Bloomin' Onion was pretty great. I heard good things about the Bloomin' Leavin's in the dip afterward. The food itself was decent, if unremarkable. Points off for iceberg lettuce in the salads...

Venue

Red Lobster: Big, two floors, festooned with fish-related paraphenalia, neon lobsters, etc. Took a glass elevator to our table. We were seated in the section where they put the ugly/crazy people... waaaay in a corner on the second floor. However, our chairs moved freely from the table so there was no awkward sidestepping and attempting to free your bloated abdomen from the booth.
Outback: Not so big, on street level. We were at a booth, but space was tight. I am bruised from getting up from the bench and colliding with the corner of the table (note: this could be my fault). Overall, it's funny to see a big suburban chain like Outback crammed into a Manhattan-sized space. There is not room for distended bellies full of bloomin' fried food.

Other

Red Lobster: Lobster tank. They sell a drink called a "Lobsterita."
Outback: Mambo No. 5 was playing in the ladies room. 'Nuff said.

Overall, I think Outback, as a (less-ridiculous) ridiculous chain wins due to the limited nausea following the meal (no cold sweats or post-traumatic stress dreams, either).

There's talk about going to a place that is NOT ridiculous next time. Are we growing up or what?